A year and three months post-trauma and I still feel the after shock of that war. It baffles me how I can feel so at peace and so much happier with my life without him and yet have these intense moments of grief. I know with every fiber of my being that I don't want him back in my life romantically. We fit together perfectly on an emotional level, but our lives were two pieces that couldn't be forced together. Staying with him would have meant that I'd never achieve the future that I wanted. Would it have still been happy? Sure. But ultimately, it wasn't what I wanted.
That being said, I think I've finally found out what I'm grieving over: the loss of his friendship. For whatever reason, no matter how hard I try, we'll never be a part of each other's lives again. I don't know if it's just too hard to forget the hurt
or if his wife is simply too insecure and controlling, but I cannot find a way back into his life even in the most platonic sense. I'd love to say that we caught up at lunch once a month or that I could still call him with good news, but I can't. Even if he says I could, his actions speak otherwise. And that is what hurts the most of all.
I'll admit it, I do feel my loneliest when there's snow on the ground and no place to go.
These are the days I miss having someone to shared my bed. And I think I know why...because this is really the first time that's been missing. Winter seems to be the season that I attract love most. That sounds strange, but if a relationship is going to start up for me, it's usually during the holiday season. Actually, the longest relationship I ever had officially started in spring, but even that one's main flirtations began just before Christmas.
Last year was the sociopath [and no, that's not an
exaggerated description] who literally came over to spend Christmas evening with me after only two dates.
This year's different. Quieter. Don't get me wrong, as seen in my last entry I actually enjoy it most of the time. But some days I find myself feeling the need to create something out of nothing just to have someone warm to wrap up with on a cold, snowy weekend.
That's all.
Oh, the holidays. From the first bite at Thanksgiving to that last piece of chocolate at Valentine's day, supposedly the winter months are the worst time of year to find yourself single. Common opinion would have any single girl desperate to find someone to share in all the festivities and family functions, regardless of who this companion may be. Not me. Frankly, I find myself reveling in my single status this year. I've never felt more clear in my thoughts or more loved in my life as I do spending this holiday season alone. And here's why:
1. Family
The main focus of the holidays is often overlooked while in a relationship. My past experiences in relationships have often even made my family the enemy, an
obstacle to overcome in the quest for happily ever after. I'm not saying my loved ones were ever out and out opposed to my relationship, but their support has often
wavered over the years. However, in the absence of that added holiday stress of defending my significant other, I'm able to appreciate the love that surrounds me on a daily basis year round. After all, family is
Love's safety net; you may not always need it, but it's good to know that it's there.
2. Friends
While always a constant in my life, my friends are particularly important to me this holiday season. No longer are they my back up for events that the boyfriend is unable to attend, they are the loves of my life. And with no coupled obligation to shower each other with gifts, I am free to treat my loves with the presents they are worth.
3. Food
I love holiday food. Correction, I love
my family's holiday food. This year, not only do I not have to share in any of these delicious dinners, but I also do not have to
endure dinners of a
foreign nature. I always hated the trip to the significant other's side of the family where the turkey was dry and everything smelled of cigarettes, yet I was still obligated to feign enjoyment. This year, my holiday season is flavored with only the comfort foods I know and love and no politely picking at lesser fare.
4. Presents
I know this is selfish, but last year's holiday season [my first single in many years] proved that the gifts for the single girl are bigger and better. I'm not sure if this is because my family takes pity on my solo status or if I'm simply seen as a child until marriage is rounding the corner, but whatever the reason I'll take it. Granted, last year was also co
inciding with a move to a new apartment which explains a combining of gifts for both
occasions, but I suspect that this year will be equally as plentiful. After all, no one's assuming the
in laws will be giving me gifts as well.
