They say it takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them. It took me one third. Two years and two months out of my relationship with M, I've finally gone numb to the whole experience. It happened rather suddenly, at least to my perception, but I really have no pain left to feel for that loss. It feels like three lifetimes ago, but on lonely nights it still caused a sting, until now. I realized it on the bus. I was listening to songs that normally would have made me think of him, but this time it occurred with such indifference in my mind that you would have thought that I was remembering an event I witnessed rather than experienced. It's strange, I'd let the heartbreak define me for so long that it was both sad and liberating when I realized it was over. I honestly no longer care. I no longer care whose fault it was. I no longer care why he cut me out of his life. And I've known for quite some time that I was never meant to end up with him anyway.
I'm reminded of an event that happened not that far from The End that now screams so loud with intuition that I can't believe I ignored it back then. It was my 23rd birthday. He has taken me on a vacation to the florida keys...paradise. We had been talking for almost a year about getting engaged and I was certain it would happen during the trip. So when he suggested a sunset cruise for the evening of my 23rd, I had a good idea of where things were headed...but something happened. Once on the boat, my entire Being started screaming that it wasn't where I wanted to be. I avoided eye contact, changed all subjects, and did everything in my power to keep him from pulling out a diamond ring. I even cried. When he asked me what was wrong, I blamed it on a quarter life crisis, worries that I wasn't doing what I was supposed to with my life...I even nearly convinced myself that's what it was. But it was all about us. I had had doubts for so long about us, but in the past year he'd nearly convinced me to put those fears aside...and for the most part I did, but there was still something in me clawing at the walls, needing a way out. It wasn't him, there was nothing wrong with the way he treated me...it was me. There was a me I didn't even know existed trying to climb her way to the surface. She was like a planted bulb desperate to bloom, but unable to because he was blocking all of her sunlight. Thank God he left me, or I never would have seen her flower.
Labels: break ups, enagements, relationships
