A year and three months post-trauma and I still feel the after shock of that war. It baffles me how I can feel so at peace and so much happier with my life without him and yet have these intense moments of grief. I know with every fiber of my being that I don't want him back in my life romantically. We fit together perfectly on an emotional level, but our lives were two pieces that couldn't be forced together. Staying with him would have meant that I'd never achieve the future that I wanted. Would it have still been happy? Sure. But ultimately, it wasn't what I wanted.
That being said, I think I've finally found out what I'm grieving over: the loss of his friendship. For whatever reason, no matter how hard I try, we'll never be a part of each other's lives again. I don't know if it's just too hard to forget the hurt
or if his wife is simply too insecure and controlling, but I cannot find a way back into his life even in the most platonic sense. I'd love to say that we caught up at lunch once a month or that I could still call him with good news, but I can't. Even if he says I could, his actions speak otherwise. And that is what hurts the most of all.
